quarta-feira, 16 de novembro de 2011

101 Things Not To Say During Sex


1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out

11. Person 1: This is your first time... right?
Person 2: Yeah... today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. You can cook, too right?

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"

93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Sex text:


Sexting is the new calling. With the advent of texting and the iPhone apps which build on that technology, we are able to do more dirty flirting than ever before, faster than ever before. We're living in good times; u gotta love it!! BUT!! Some tightwads who take NSFW waaaay too seriously might get all tightwaddy if they see "I wanna @#$@ your @(#$(@" on your phone at work. Here's how to keep prying eyes unawares and still get your pop rocks off on the phone. Tee hee

"I want to so-and-so your such-and-such" only leaves you open to NSFW and possible future breakup embarrassment. Be subtle. Attach sexual innuendo to an experience that only you two ha

Sex text: 

d. For instance, if your sexiversary is behind a McDonalds, you send a picture of the Golden Arches, and a sex text that says "Wanna order some fries?" They write back, "Well can I get some ketchup?" And you go, "I know you like it fancy but we're out." then they go, "I'll take spicy mustard." See, if you break up later, they can't show that to anybody in revenge...it doesn't make any damn sense!! (Aha!!)

SOLICIT THE EMBARRASSMENT. Get them all worked up so that they send YOU embarrassing stuff instead of you having to send it to them. (Once you start trusting them more, then you can send it if you want to.) Lead them on! It's like, "I haven't seen you in SOOOOO long. What are you thinking about?" Golden. Or, "You're SOOOO far away. I need something to hold me over. GIVE!" Channel movie (porn) star Katie Morgan when you do this. She does the best "GIVE!" in the business, and it DOES make a difference, even when you're sexting it. ;)

PICTURES NO FACE. If you're going to sext pictures of yourself in compromising positions, leave the face out. That way, if your partner turns out to be an Internet "promoter" of some sort, they can't really make any money off of you. Or even if they just want to revenge post if you break up, they really got nuthin! What can I say...I know you have inclinations to do these types of things, but you gotta be careful. This article is like a sexting condom; you should use it. (Don't ask me how I know, LOL!!) Toodles!
 

Why Women Fake Orgasm?




 Everybody heard rumours about women faking orgasms. Is that true? The majority of women have faked at least one orgasm, yet some fake almost all of them. Why do they do that? There are many reasons and the case is that there's no one to blame.

The most common are two reasons: they don't want to make their partners feel bad or they are tired and just want to end sex. Most females say that their partners are not satisfied until the girls feels orgasm, there's only one way to make them feel happy and stop the exhausting procedure - fake.

Another reason is that a typical female doesn't seek for orgasm; she desires a sexual relationship only because she wants intimacy. Still, such an attitude may make her partner feel bad. The only way out is to fake it out.

Some women never really experience orgasm while making sex, but they want their partner to feel good about himself and her. Men usually expect women to have pleasure, that's why females have no other choice. They have to fake to have a good relationship.

Loss of interest, having sex only because the partner wants to, also makes women to fake. Most females talk to their friends about such things and while they know other women act it, they do so too, because it's an easier way to have a good relationship.

When a man tries very hard, sometimes even too hard to make his woman have an orgasm, the woman usually finds it better to fake it than to disappoint her partner once again. They fear rejection if a man wouldn't understand her, they don't want to offend men because the absence of an orgasm is actually not their fault.

Some women may have health problems. If, while experiencing she becomes too sensitive and wants to stop, she fakes an orgasm in order to stop and relax. Orgasm may also cause discomfort and pain; that's a serious problem and she can't be blamed for faking. In such cases, most women prefer and enjoy orgasm more during solitary masturbation. Although they feel better while having orgasm themselves, they want to make their partner feel good too, so they act an orgasm out.

A female orgasm can be most easily faked by a good actress. There are few options: gripping something tightly; moaning loudly; breathing deeply; burying face into something (pillow); doing kegels or anything else at least remotely dramatic or climatic.

What to do if you think your partner is faking? Talk about it. Maybe she knows some special position or action that would make her happy. Don't get angry if she admits faking. Try to solve the problem, but don't get too far, don't try too hard because it may become an exhausting activity rather than an act of love.

Women act and men can do nothing about it; and maybe they shouldn't? Try to find out the real reasons of faking and discus possible ways out. Don't blame your partner for it; it's natural for women to do so from time to time. Show her your passion, love and try to understand her. ...

Increase you sexual attractiveness with pheromones


Increase you sexual attractiveness with pheromones: 

Pheromones are a natural chemical compound found in all insects, animals, and humans. Animals detect pheromones over a distance – they help them mark territory and recognize mates. Human pheromones are natural hormones and we use them to communicate with one another on a subconscious level. They are detected by a little organ inside the nose and then being transmitted to our brains as a chemical message of sex and sexual attraction.

Not everyone knows that these days’ pheromones can be found as a product – colognes, sprays, oils, gels, wipes, lotions, soaps and even candles. There are different pheromones for Men and Women. Pheromone products mainly contain one or all of the following human pheromones:
*Androstenone - the pheromone that gives a macho, dominant male aura. It attracts and arouses women on a primordial level and women reported having better and stronger orgasm during sex.

*Androstenol – is called as a friendly pheromone. You will seem nice, friendly and approachable to others.

*Androsterone – is knows as a middle ground between the first two. People say that androsterone is very similar to andostenone, just it doesn’t give a male macho aura as much.

*Copulins – is found in pheromones for women to use. Copulins are produced by women naturally, during their ovulation time. Copulins are used towards attracting men.



Pheromones come in both scented and unscented products. Some people use scented pheromones as simple perfume or body spray. Then they don‘t need to use any other perfume. Unscented products can be mixed with colognes, perfumes or body sprays. Both kinds of pheromones are applied in the same places where you usually apply other perfume or body spray.

Pheromones “work” for both male and female, and pheromone products are being used to gain sexual attraction of the opposite sex.

Guys, it doesn‘t matter how you look like – fat or slim, tall or short, handsome or not a sexy macho – if you use pheromones, women will find you sexually attractive. After women smell pheromones in the pheromone product they will become attracted to you. Try to use pheromone products and you will notice that women are starting to show you more attention, more eye contact, more dates and of course more sex.

The same is for women. If you like a man and he is not paying as much attention to you as you want – try a pheromone “attack”. When he is around you - make sure you sprayed pheromones on yourbody and you will start feel difference. Many women use this “weapon” to get the guys they want.

Pheromones can help you increase your attractiveness, bring you more success in business and many social situations, make people comfortable around you and improve your own mood.